Has Your Sex Life Lost Its Spark?
If you’re feeling sexually disconnected from your partner(s), it’s possible that something deep-rooted and emotional has affected your ability to become intimate. You may be struggling with physical discomfort, questions about your sexuality, a lack of trust, or a fear of your desires being misunderstood.
Whether you have difficulty enjoying sex with your partner or put pressure on yourself to engage in certain activities just to please them, you may be concerned that the future of your relationship hinges on whether or not you’ll be able to restore intimacy.
Various Life Stressors Contribute To Desire Discrepancy And Sexual Dissatisfaction
There are several factors that contribute to sexual disconnection and desire discrepancy among couples, and it’s normal to run into a sexual rut. Maybe your libido has changed, or physical limitations—including erectile dysfunction—have caused sex to become painful, awkward, or unappealing. If you survived a sexual trauma, you might have difficulty relaxing or staying present during sex. And even though you want to connect and maintain trust with your partner, you may feel alienated by the idea of becoming physically intimate.
Significant life stressors could also be underlying your relationship’s lack of sex or intimacy. You and your partner may be contending with sexual differences following a loss, transition, or breach of trust in the relationship. Similarly, if you’ve become preoccupied with conceiving, sex may have lost its appeal and spontaneity.
On the other hand, it’s possible you’re curious about introducing new elements into your sex life, including kink or polyamory. Yet, feelings of shame and embarrassment may keep you from fully expressing your desires to your partner. You may be concerned that your curiosities are somehow unacceptable or that you will be judged for them. Or, conversely, you might worry that you’re not adventurous or kinky enough to maintain your partner’s interest.
But sex therapy can benefit anyone, no matter how you identify and what your desires are. By fully exploring your sensuality in the safe space of counseling, you can improve your sex life and relationship in general.
Sex Has A Complicated Role In Our Culture
Every partnership experiences setbacks, and research has demonstrated that common couples issues—including poor communication, pervasive hostility, and a lack of trust—are inextricably linked with sexual compatibility. A lack of emotional intimacy inevitably leads to a lack of physical intimacy. Not to mention, many of us are conditioned to believe that the “ideal” sexual partner is out there: someone who will blindly accept and fully reciprocate our desires.
This is especially true in Los Angeles, where porn culture and the use of OnlyFans has become the norm. Younger generations, in particular, learn about sex through pornography and other websites that present a very skewed view of what sex should look like.
Such expectations often translate to a sense of inadequacy within a relationship, causing one or both partners to get bored in the bedroom or convince themselves that something better will come along. LA is, in many ways, the mecca of allure and fantasy, ultimately creating sexual standards that are impossible to maintain.
Unfortunately, instead of looking at these issues as indicative of our personal desires and insecurities, many of us move from relationship to relationship thinking that the other person is who will solve the problem. Or alternatively, if we’re fixated on the ways that we are falling short within the sexual relationship, we can develop intense performance anxiety, making sex a stressful, competitive, and unsatisfying act.
Furthermore, we all come from cultures with a complicated view of sex. Some of us are raised to believe that sex should never be discussed outside of the relationship, while others are conditioned to think that sexual performance is the only criteria for pleasure. Working with a sex therapist is a chance to dispel misconceptions, learn healthy communication, and build intimacy from the ground up.
Therapy Can Rekindle The Flame In Your Sex Life
A significant function of sex therapy will be to reduce feelings of shame and embarrassment around sex. Opening up the communication in your relationship(s) will help you negotiate obstacles, express desires, and experience heightened pleasure and joy in your life.
As a certified sex therapist, I am here to help you feel more comfortable with yourself and your sensuality. Whether you’re interested in adding new elements to your sex life or hoping to heal the residual pain of past trauma, I can guide you towards security and authenticity within your intimate relationship(s).
Sex therapy at Century City Counseling is available to individuals and couples of all genders and orientations. I maintain a culturally aware and sensitive practice, and I do not find interest in pathologizing your desires. As such, I am available to work with individuals and couples from all backgrounds—including those who are curious about BDSM, kink, and nonmonogamy.
During our time together, I will go beyond the root of the “problem” to offer you an extensive awareness of why certain traumas and patterns are affecting your ability to become intimate. We will focus on shifting the goal from being about performance to being about pleasure, fun, connection, and stress relief. Through this, you will be able to see sex as enjoyable in all aspects of the journey and not just the destination (i.e., orgasm, ejaculation, intercourse).
My approach as a sex therapist draws from attachment theory, Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), and a biopsychosocial understanding of a client’s background. When combined, these approaches encourage vulnerability, increase communication and connection, and reduce the negative feedback loop of unhealthy patterns.
In counseling, you will also learn that sexuality is about options. Just because we may not be aroused by the same type of sexual activity as our partner, it does not signal sexual incompatibility. Instead, sex therapy gives couples a chance to better understand physical stimulation, arousal points, and positive verbal affirmation. As the topic of sex becomes demystified and normalized in counseling, comfort, communication, and sexual intimacy can enhance.
It might be hard to imagine discussing your sex life with anyone—let alone a therapist—but you don’t need to have that concern with me. You are not alone with your questions, concerns, and curiosities, and you don’t have to be alone in exploring them. In therapy at Century City Counseling, you have a sex-positive, affirming, and experienced clinician in your corner.
Maybe You’re Interested In Sex Therapy But Don’t Know If It’s Right For You…
How do we keep our sex life fun and engaging?
A healthy sex life takes work—it doesn’t happen by accident. Many long-term couples struggle with keeping the spark alive because they have developed the belief that it will just naturally sustain itself. Communicating about changing desires often helps to reignite the flame, as does experimenting with new positions, fantasies, and scheduling sex during busy periods as needed.
Why can’t my wife reach orgasm?
Assuming no medical conditions are at play, reaching orgasm is a skill. Like other skills, it requires time, patience, and practice. Besides gynecological issues, it’s possible that past trauma and/or anxiety or depression have made reaching orgasm difficult. As such, learning certain techniques—including the use of sex toys and exploring fantasies together—can help your partner climax.
Is my penis too small?
Contrary to what you might think, size doesn’t matter all that much. Unfortunately, the large penises seen in porn have perpetuated a distorted image of what a penis should look like, and this often causes performance anxiety. Therapy is an opportunity to dispel myths about sex and sexual organs so that you can feel less self-conscious about being somehow inadequate.
Explore Your Desires, Reignite Your Flame
If your sex life has become uncomfortable or unsatisfying, a qualified sex therapist can help you enhance sensuality and intimacy in your relationship(s). To schedule a free, 15-minute consultation, contact me.
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